The One Truth

Above all, I have learned one thing that is true.

I also will confess– I know nothing at all. I am willing to accept sometimes the things that we think we know, that we cling to dearly; might eventually become lies or untruths.

However, this thing that I know, right now– I believe with all my heart that it is true.

(Insert confused head scratching.)

I had this big long backstory and buildup to the truth, I thought it was required to justify how I reached this conclusion, or maybe I just love storytelling? However, I've realized sometimes it's better to just get right to the point and in my efforts to embody "less is more" I cut it all out (all 1,227 words.) While it took me a long time to uncover this truth, I won't take up your time with the journey.

I'll get straight to the truth.

Safety.

The one truth is– we all need to feel SAFE.

This probably seems like old news, but it seems to me that many of us lack a full awareness if this truth, and its importance. We lack insight in to the ways we feel unsafe in our lives, the ways we feel unsafe in our own skin or in our roles and identities.

And.

When we feel unsafe, we are in defense mode, which can mean we are not able to discover the beauty within each moment.

But…

When we feel safe we can fully express our highest potential.

This sense of safety isn't determined by just one thing, though if I had to pick I think we need to feel that we are accepted just as we are and this makes us feel the most safe, emotionally speaking (and this is mega-hugely important because our emotions influence our behaviors!)

So, let's explore this concept of self security a bit more.

There are basic psychological needs– we have a need to be seen, heard, understood, to feel we belong, to feel we are capable and in control (autonomous and sovereign.)

Ultimately, I believe– we need to feel safe accepting ourselves just the way we are. We need to feel safe to express our uniqueness and like we belong to our "tribe" without having to hide parts of ourselves away. We need to feel safe enough to share our truths which means releasing fear of rejection. We need to know we belong to ourselves and others no matter what.

However, there seems to be so many conditions both society/we place on ourselves. There seems to be more "threats" to our sense of safety than ever.

The pandemic was an invisible emotional/physical threat, but it sure was an eye opener, especially the lockdown phase.

Living in isolation threatened both our need to belong and our survival through tribalism, and made the collective feel physically unsafe. The "village" (though it died long before C19) is so important to mothers and why the isolation of modern day motherhood (especially during the pandemic) is so damaging.

Then there is the fact that our culture has created false conditions and unrealistic expectations for motherhood, and for children's behavior and emotional abilities.

On top of all that, some of us are carrying around and trying to heal from more generational trauma than others; as we are trying to raise kids, we are also mothering and reparenting ourselves-- we the cycle breakers.

AND.

Being told it is only acceptable to act, look or behave a certain way– threatens our need to be seen, heard and understood– making us feel –you guessed it, unsafe.

Deeming certain emotions dangerous or damaging, makes us feel unsafe expressing how we truly feel. It also can make us cross our own boundaries to protect other people's feelings which ultimately makes you feel like shit (the truth is you are only responsible for tending to your own emotions.)

All of these "threats" compound and create dysregulation of the nervous system.

And then…

Our over stressed systems and our feelings of insecurity show up in our personal behaviors, in our relationships, at work, and in family dynamics.

The ways that you reject yourself and all the emotions you try to resist sends spoken/unspoken cues to others, especially the tiny sponges your are trying not to "damage."

Children are information processing machines, they read body language and tone, and have a way of finding the words we aren't saying and internalizing them. Leif is a down right mind reader, I swear!

So when we consciously (though I believe most of it is unconscious) send signals to kids (and others) that it isn't safe to feel or act a certain way, they (we) develop stories to keep that feeling of safety and acceptance at all cost. Mostly in the form of- LIES.

Enter– the subconscious mind.

Subconscious programs were formed in our early years based on these lies because we are designed for survival at all costs. You may have told yourself you had to be or do something else in order to feel safe, especially if you lived through any type of complex trauma. From that belief you developed ways of coping, for better or worse.

Here's why.

Our primitive brain (which hasn't changed much) is mostly concerned with our biological survival needs. However, as our species and culture has evolved, the threats to our psychological safety both real and perceived have increased and that is what shapes our behaviors. That's the autopilot that hijacks you when you feel stressed and why you might end up drinking a bottle of wine to cope or why you feel like a volcano about to erupt all the time.

The hardwiring of our brains and our evolution are sort of at odds with each other.

Our modern convenience culture, our unrealistic productivity standards, our material obsessed culture– are all misaligned with our basic survival needs and this imbalance has created a collective feeling of insecurity. The mixture of our own lies– of self imposed limiting beliefs and cultural hogwash–plays a huge role in our state of health. The increased stressors experienced day to day have caused so many troubles health wise because behavior + mindset is the greatest predictor of our health status.

Basically the body knows it needs water, food, sleep, and sex (a few more things but let's keep it basic) and the ego/self wants to feel safe and loved. The even trickier part is that our body keeps the score of our emotional wounds.

So you see this truth about our safety has implications in almost every area of our lives.

I discovered this truth through the lens of motherhood, in feeling my nervous systems call to slow down, in battling feeling unsafe with my emotions but my biggest most pressing reason for sharing this truth.

I have seen my kids struggle with their psychological safety needs, and I am fighting like hell to repair any damages I may have contributed to, while holding space for them to know their personal truth without writing too many lies into their "program.". In other words I want to accept them for who they are, for all the emotions they experience, and support them in finding the healthiest ways to express their needs and interests.

Safety is our job as parents, it is easy to remember that when it comes to preventing physical harm, it can be more nuanced when it comes to emotional development.

I think one way to create safety is through authentic connection. By giving our kids (ourselves and others) our full presence without needing to change situations or feelings just because we are uncomfortable. Of course I make an exception if you find yourself in a truly unsafe situation, then you must take action, like I just said safety is our job.

Hungry tiger– fucking run.

Bad mood, high amounts of stress, feeling overwhelmed or triggered by a kids tantrum/meltdown– the invitation is to feel it all with a sense of curiosity, to really lean into your emotions and then find a way to meet whatever your unmet needs may be.

"Losing your shit" is still acceptable (with repair), it's human, and both our adult selves (inner child) and our kids need to know how to feel all the feels. Tantrums are waves of big emotion, kids have them and so do adults; and there is a way to feel our big feelings, safely!

The way I began healing this in myself was witnessing myself as I was triggered. My next step was acknowledging the feeling, aka naming it to tame it. Then I began asking myself "what is the unmet need behind this feeling?" But now my go-to is, placing my hand on my heart and affirming my safety.

"I am safe, I am safe to feel this."

I feel it in my body and breathe with it.

If I need to cry, I cry, and if my kids are present I assure them it is safe for me to cry. I have also taken to responding in this way to their big feelings as well.

"You seem sad, you're safe to be sad, it's safe to cry, I'm here for you." We have discussed the importance of letting the energy of our emotions move all the way through.

Does this present empathetic approach happen every time, nope, do I keep trying, yup. I'm a work in progress and I finally feel safe admitting that. I also scream in my car or into a pillow. I shake my body vigorously to release stress and I am very interested in going to one of those smash labs because I have rage and that isn't a reflection of being a "bad mom," rage can be divine!

Emotions only become unsafe when we react to them in ways that are harmful or pose risk to ourselves or others (this includes repression or denial!)

I did not stumble on this great truth overnight. I had to realize I had been telling myself the lie that some emotions are "good" and others are wickedly "bad and wrong" to be avoided at all costs. I had to admit I wasn't avoiding them completely but rather reacting to them explosively and modeling that to my little Leif. Sending the unconscious message it's not safe to be: sad, anxious, angry, confused, frustrated etc. and I just mentioned, I have been working on repairing this with him, and going easy on myself, because I know guilt and shame are also lies that I once told myself.

It helps to recognize that our emotions are messengers, all emotions we experience (especially the intense ones) are trying to communicate with our operating systems, and all emotions produce a biochemical response. Overtime we can become stuck in loops of emotions because our bodies develop a sort of addiction to these chemicals and the behavior patterns they reinforce.

And…

There is nothing to be fixed about our emotions, they only need to be felt, in a safe way. This is how we process emotions. This is the golden light we want to shine on our kids. This can stop certain lies and maladaptive coping strategies from forming and teach kids that they are loved unconditionally.

Awareness is the path towards living in accordance with this truth.

Yes, it requires seeing the conditioning, and the untruths we formed in order to keep ourselves safe.

Yes it means accepting there is inner work to do and fully owning and understanding our own emotional experience.

Yes it will be HARD but the effort will reap unimaginable rewards and we humans with our pleasure seeking mechanisms– we love rewards.

One reward I sort of already mentioned is a more regulated nervous system, which offers so many benefits that it could be a whole other blog entirely (and this ones too long already.) So just trust a girl– nervous system regulation can and will improve your relationships and your immune function, it could even help you lose weight if that's a goal you have.

Nervous system regulation = sense of security = higher quality of life.

So that is it, the one great truth I know.

As we part I will leave you with these questions to ponder:

What is a lie you told yourself in order to keep yourself safe, and how/who/what triggers that lie in your life now?

How did you learn to act and behave in order to make your lie true?

What emotions do you feel the most unsafe feeling?

What's your highest truth?

And lastly here are affirmations of your safety, use them as you see fit! I like to use them in meditation.

I am safe to feel ALL of my emotions.

I am safe to heal.

I am safe to ask for help.

I am worthy and safe to be seen as I really am.

I am safe to speak my truth even when it's misunderstood.

I belong, exactly the way that I am.

I am safe to love and accept myself.

My needs matter, I am safe to meet my needs.

Mamaste Well,

Rose

Ps. To all the Mamas with rage. I see you, I hear you, I feel you. Anger isn't the problem, it's the manifestation of an unmet need. Perhaps you are angry because you feel unheard or unseen, maybe undervalued or disrespected– anger is trying to help you meet those needs. It's your job to respond to anger, not react from it in a way that hurts you or anyone else. In order to understand anger you must become aware of its triggers and the thoughts and beliefs behind it. Does anger come when you feel out of control, when you're overtired, when you need a break? Think about it and then find the space to meet whatever it is that you need. You are not alone in your rage, you can transform your rage, you need an outlet.