Releasing Control

I'm in the process (I have been for some time) of releasing a compulsive need to control– control for the most part is an illusion.

Of course there are aspects of our lives that we can command but there is a whole lot of wasted energy and futility when it comes to trying to be the puppet master of anyone else's experience. This is especially true in terms of micromanaging our families. We might think we need to run every aspect of the show (or that it is even possible,) but attempting to conduct every move and emotion of the orchestra (your family) usually results in all the instruments being out of tune and some pretty whiny sounding music.

I mean I get why I (we) seek a sense of control, because it makes us feel safe AND when it comes to other people's behavior and emotions, it goes directly against a very powerful and primal human desire.

SOVEREIGNTY!

Think about all your toddler struggles, most stem from their desire to feel capable and autonomous. Most conflicts with our kids are a tug of war for a sense of power. They want independence and while we want to support their development, we might often think we know the better way to do x,y,z; or we are in such a time crunch that waiting for them to navigate the learning curve isn't as easy or timely as doing things for them. However, jumping in every time to pull their pants up or comb their hair sends the inadvertent message "you can't do that yourself" or "I know better than you" and these types of dynamics often result in loads of frustration and tantrums (both child and adult.) Exerting too much control interferes with learning, developing intrinsic cues and motivation, a secure sense of self, and positive attachment in our parent child relationship.

Constant attempts to control things is usually really a product of your own unmet needs or overwhelming emotions. Whether we are experiencing anxiety, fear, anger, worry or sadness; we start clinging to ways to control our environment as a desperate act to avoid how we are feeling. Rather than really leaning into our emotional landscape many of us were trained to take the scenic route over the treacherous mountain pass. However, it is an illusion that you are safe if you stick to less challenging terrain, you can still "roll an ankle" or take a "nose dive" on the "easy path." Who really wants to be an Ultra-marathoner when it comes to enduring stress? Eventually your body, mind, and spirit will break down.

Here is the big problem with the avoidance or denial approach, with the seeking to "control" tactic.

Every time we feel out of control (which again is usually really an expression of an unmet need or emotion we are avoiding) we have an adrenal response, and our body can't tell the difference between someone pointing a gun at our head or a bathtime/bedtime struggle with a toddler. The biochemical response is something our body becomes used to and expects. You might even say you become addicted to your own stress cycles and unconsciously create or seek situations to get your "fix." You become stuck in the familiar past and perpetuate the predictable future. You have to break this habit of being yourself. Which requires surrendering to the present moment with a sense of curiosity and joy.

Emotions are not something we need to fix in ourselves or others, it is really more important that we feel our feelings fully and that we have self awareness around patterns of reactivity. By acknowledging the difficulty of particular feelings you are holding yourself in self compassion and less like to seek external comforts that are really damaging. We have to be self aware enough to break these cycles, we have to find present moment awareness as much as possible. We need to generate positive feelings within ourselves and accept our hurts without judgment or rejection.

Here is another really important thing to insert about control.

Control issues may likely be a trauma response stored in your body. As Bessel van der Kolk explained in his book The Body Keeps the Score:

“While we all want to move beyond trauma, the part of our brain that is devoted to ensuring our survival (deep below our rational brain) is not very good at denial. Long after a traumatic experience is over, it may be reactivated at the slightest hint of danger and mobilize disturbed brain circuits and secrete massive amounts of stress hormones. This precipitates unpleasant emotions, intense physical sensations, and impulsive and aggressive actions. These posttraumatic reactions feel incomprehensible and overwhelming. Feeling out of control, survivors of trauma often begin to fear that they are damaged to the core and beyond redemption."

Then there is the matter of the collective field of trauma.

On a large scale the more we have tried to control things, the more "advanced" we have become with our technologies and "science" based approaches the more disconnected we have become from ourselves, each other, and the planet. To think we have control over nature and that we are separate from it is the greatest illusion and the one that threatens our extinction the most. We must immerse ourselves in the intelligence of nature to heal people and the planet. We must break free from the collective comfort crisis we have created, and to do so means being willing to sit with our discomforts and confront our shadows. We must release collective fear patterns. We all must shift from broken beliefs and systems of suffering, scarcity, and separation; to a new earth built on interconnection, compassion and community. Our individual ability to fully love and accept ourselves is the first step for each of us.

It takes a lot of energy to cling to things, and you can only avoid yourself for so long because wherever you go, there you are.

As it goes with mothers, it can be hard to put yourself first, but doing so is monumental!

There is a huge energetic component to all of this. Our kids, especially under the age of seven are aligned to our frequency. We have an energetic umbilical cord if you will. In a sense they believe or feel that they are our energy field, our energy shapes and guides their experience. The most pivotal thing we can do for our children is work with our shadows so we can fully be our light. The most important way to guide them is not through control, it is through raising our own vibration and grounding ourselves in the energies of: love, joy, gratitude, compassion, and protection. When we feel out of balance, when stress has mounted and we become frantic and frazzled, the most potent remedy is to first safely express our feelings and second to meet our unmet needs. Those two approaches will strengthen your own field and thus your children will feel more balanced.

If you really want to feel joyous, let go of the idea of control, clear your energy field and concentrate on cultivating coherence.

We want to be in coherent communication within our own electromagnetic fields and systems, with each other, and with the almighty frequency of the great mother (earth.) All of this might sound a little nutty if you are unfamiliar and I assure you if you need science to back it up there is plenty! If you've been feeling a little crazy lately and it seems most of us have, consider it's time to work with your energy to get your system back online and in alignment with the frequency of earth!

The Heart Math Institute says this:

"When a person is in a more coherent state there is a shift in the relative autonomic balance toward increased parasympathetic activity (vagal tone), increased heart-brain synchronization and entrainment between diverse physiological systems. In this mode, the body’s systems function with a high degree of efficiency and harmony and natural regenerative processes are facilitated. Although physiological coherence is a natural human state that can occur spontaneously, sustained episodes generally are rare. While some rhythmic-breathing methods may induce coherence for brief periods, our research indicates that people can achieve extended periods of physiological coherence by actively self-generating positive emotions."

(read more about heart coherence here)

So I am hoping by now you understand the illusion of control and you might be considering joining me in doing the work of letting go.

How do you do the work?

How does a control freak unclench and unfold into acceptance and appreciation?

How do you stop trying to create a sense of safety through controlling everything and everyone around you?

Here's the first step, and you might not like it.

SLOW THE FUCK DOWN!

You can't surrender while rushing around trying to meet the needs of others or the demands of the external world.

Lots of things might feel important and compelling but there is nothing as urgent or important as tending to your needs and emotions. Your energy field needs clearing and from it you find clarity.

In order to release control of the external you must connect with the internal. You must sit in the driver's seat and journey deeply into yourself. You must become the writer of your own story. You must be self aware and present enough to notice your thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors. You must be the change you wish to see in your world and be impeccable with your word because our words create our world. Your words, behaviors, and emotional state all affect your frequency.

YOU NEED TO TAP INTO YOUR BODY FULLY.

You must stop each day and take a powerful pause to place a hand on your heart.

Affirm that you are safe and breathe deeply in and out of your heart while tapping into what brings you joy, love, gratitude, and compassion.

You are the farmer of your field of dreams, you must plant the seeds of intention and pull the weeds that limit your growth.

You have to stop seeking anything external as the answer. There are plenty of tools and teachers, loads of resources to guide and support you; but nothing is as powerful as developing an inner well-spring of energy and resilience through a commitment to just being with yourself in stillness.

You must also venture into the dark to fully draw out your light. You must navigate your inner swamp with a sense of wonder.

You have to be willing to ask yourself:

What am I afraid of?

What limits have I placed on myself?

What am I avoiding?

What are my worries?

What are my stories of shame and guilt?

Where am I holding anger and grief?

How am I reacting to stored trauma in my body?

How do I victimize myself?

How do I sabotage myself?

How does my body feel, what does my body need?

In what ways am I aligning with scarcity, and how do I start manifesting abundance?

Who do I need to forgive, how can I forgive myself?

What thoughts and behaviors are most in alignment with my highest good and truth?

You have to be willing to search for the truth, to excavate layers of yourself. To shed old skins. To let things die and to be reborn to the wholeness you truly are.

To move the energy of stored traumas; you may need to– cry, yell, shake, thrash, rock, hug, swear, break things, roll around, dance, paint, write, sing, chant, breathe deeply, bathe, jump in the ocean, make a clearing fire, or laugh uncontrollably. You might need talk therapy, coaching, body work, plant remedies, energy work, sound healing, nature immersion, or complete sensory deprivation.

Mostly you need to be willing to be raw and vulnerable with yourself. You don't have to do the work all alone, but you can no longer avoid caring for yourself or healing your wounds by controlling or worrying about other people's lives.

Only you will be able to answer the questions and determine the best practices for moving from outward control to inward alignment.

I know you can surrender, I know because I've done it, I keep doing it and even in the darkest nights of my soul, I can see and feel my light shining brighter and brighter. I have come to realize that the more I release and allow things to just happen, the more free I feel. The more I let go of attachments and expectations, the more pleasantly surprised I am by the abundance of beauty, love and support that the universe offers.

You also have the illuminating power and energy of the sun inside you, let it shine.

I am here for you. I see you, I hear you, I feel you, I love you.

Mamaste Well,

Rose

Here is two songs for you this week: I am and I am safe

And here is an affirmation you might try:

"I am love, I give love, I accept love. I believe in love, I extend love. I am always becoming love."