The Healing Path

Last week while attending my "church," a Sunday morning sanctuary of a yoga class for moms led by a friend and fellow yogini mama; a missing part of my healing surfaced and struck me like a lightning bolt. At that moment I was flooded with a grief I had not yet encountered on my journey.

As we grounded into our hearts, and came into awareness of each breath, we were guided through a practice with an intention of forgiveness.

I felt a dense energy as I moved my body and breath. I started to connect with my grief, I tapped into a resistance I was feeling around forgiveness, and I started to explore where this heavinesses was blocking the flow of life inside me. As we moved through the practice I encountered a swirl of complex emotions. With each posture, I delighted in discovery, knowing that while this energy felt hard and painful to be with, I was on to another breakthrough.

As we sat and I listened to the closing reading, tears of both sorrow and joy flowed like a river down my cheeks. Right at that moment the next chapter of my healing began.

Since that class, my intention to forgive and my awareness of what that actually means has continued to expand. As I shared last week I've been working on releasing control, and will continue to let go, but as I do so I realize I must forgive– and that feels like somewhat of a tall order.

It is hard to forgive when we cling to the validity of our grievances, it is hard to convince ourselves that forgiving does not mean forgetting.

We often think forgiveness is an olive branch we extend to one another when we inevitably make a mistake that results in hurting one another but as with most matters of healing, the hardest act of forgiveness can be showing mercy towards ourselves.

I scratched my head for a moment or two on how forgiveness seemingly evaded my consciousness up until the point it zapped me on my mat, but of course I believe divine timing is when we are truly ready to release and receive something. So I suppose it makes perfect sense.

In all my years of cultivating a deep understanding of myself, of raising my self awareness to a place where I no longer subscribe to limited beliefs and stories of a brokenness, I have never fully considered how powerful it is to forgive myself for believing and reinforcing those lies for so long. Especially when I am dysregulated and start reacting from a place of old patterning, for this I will now allow myself extra exoneration.

For all the self acceptance and self love I embody, I am realizing how much disappointment and sadness I am still carrying for the amount of time I spent hating myself.

And

I am just now dipping my toe into forgiving myself for the "wrongs'' I have expressed towards my children. While I do make it a practice to always repair with my children as soon as possible, the mom guilt and shame can be very cunning in convincing me I have done irreparable damage to their self identity. I do believe this is gonna take lots of surrender. With a whole lot of self compassion and grace I will sign a peace treaty with those parts of me.

Luckily, I know myself enough to know that my recovering perfectionist expects "better", the inner critic likes to chime in with some snarky comments about "knowing better", and the self punisher makes really extreme and unreasonable remarks about me not even deserving my gorgeous little loving lights. So, I will need to continue befriending these parts, telling them that I see how in the past they told me these things because they thought they were keeping me safe but now I politely say no thank you– I have found another way. A way of softening into myself, a way to make amends.

I am conscious that the work of cycle breaking– that healing generational trauma and disconnecting from subconscious programs is an Everest like endeavor. I am mindful that not everything I do and say holds such a mighty consequence in terms of who my children will eventually become. I know they each chose me for a reason, but the almighty plan for their souls was written in the stars. With this knowledge I am extending myself a humble pardon, and in so doing, I feel a sense of relief.

As part of my newfound practice of forgiving myself, I sat and rested in meditation with my intention all week and I journaled all my offerings for a clemency of my self imposed "crimes."

I sat with my feelings fully, with all of my hurt, all of my pain.

And then…

I forgave my innocent scared inner child. I forgave my external validation seeking, middle child, achievement focused, do-gooder adolescent. I forgave the behind the scenes trouble-making, self-sabotaging, self-punishing and self-hating teenager and twenty something. I forgave my new mom–early postpartum, fragile and confused, depressed and weary– self. I forgave my second time mom self for making the same "mistakes" twice, and my third time self for all moments of hurtful reactive rage. I forgave both my real and perceived flaws. I forgave the sometimes daily moments that I react rather than respond. I forgave the nasty things I say in my head and the disapproving scowl that I flash that makes my children recoil. I forgave the moments I wished I could unbecome a mother, the moments where I wanted to be anywhere but with my children. I forgave the moments I missed the joy right in front of me. I forgave my shame and my guilt and the disrespectful behaviors I have inflicted on myself and others.

Afterwards, I journaled feverishly and embraced myself with love and compassion as I released some more of my: grief, frustration, and anger with breathwork. To close my practice I encircled myself with a glow of warming golden light.

I know now.

Forgiveness means fully feeling but it also means moving forward with compassion, hope, faith, joy and of course LOVE– and I know forgiveness isn't a one time practice, so I will invite it into my awareness with each step I take forward on this healing/growing journey.

It is my greatest desire that through forgiving myself, that my children will find forgiveness for my humanness and with greater ease will be able to forgive themselves and each other. I truly hope my efforts to model that it is always safe to feel your emotions and take responsibility for our behaviors, will support their development of emotional intelligence and self acceptance.

Because I'm a seeker. I have also been seeking to understand forgiveness from a higher place. Thus, I have been reading spiritual teachings, and calling on my guides and angels' wisdom.

Ask and you shall receive, they say, and this email came through while I was writing about calling from a higher perspective (so tell me the universe isn't always listening.)

And then

I pulled the card of forgiveness, the angel Stamera and this was the message:

“Forgive yourself in order for healing to be complete. It is not possible to go back and change the past, but you can change how you feel about it. Forgiveness has a rhythm all its own as you progress through the process of release and healing. If you force forgiveness, you have not yet learned the lesson of acceptance. We have been taught to blame our feelings rather than our experience for unpleasantness. No matter how far away you push feelings, they are yours. At some point, they will come back to you.

Unpleasant feelings are your salvation, telling you to notice and inspiring you to take action! Often expressing the way you really feel in a caring way can transform an experience. If the other person is unwilling to understand, your feelings may be guiding you to leave a situation that is not right for you. This can be difficult when other options are not apparent. Call Stamera with all the desire of your heart and ask for strength, clear vision and courage.

When the behavior of another hurts you, this is a message from your Eternal Self exposing hidden feelings of guilt, shame, and self-hatred. If you had no such feelings, the other person’s actions would leave you undisturbed. The first step is to admit how you really feel.

Your body holds the feeling memory of traumatic events, just as your mind records the images of events. The cells that hold these feelings are like boxes. You have to open them and feel what is inside to release the experience. Until you have the courage and desire to do this, the trapped emotional essence will recreate the pattern by magnetically attracting new people and new circumstances with a similar essence. This may seem cruel, but it is actually a gift from God to draw your attention to everything that separates you from love, as these behavior patterns do. Forgive and you will be set free. Welcome new situations as guidance and ask Stamera to help you clearly see and understand these options.

Occasionally, a deep level of healing and forgiveness is instantaneous. More often, it takes time. Trust your Guardian Angel and Eternal Self to lead you on the path to wholeness as quickly as you are able to progress. This is not a competition; neither are you perfect. You are human, learning to be divine. Each time you expect yourself to be perfect, and then judge yourself harshly when you are not, you are replaying another pattern that exposes a lack of self-love.

When forgiveness is complete, you will feel serene, kind, happy and loved. Your life will change to reflect your healing, ceasing the endless repetition of the same old patterns, and freeing you to pursue your Divine Plan. More and more, you will realize that you are in Stamera’s tender embrace. Even though you still live in the world of suffering and pain, your perception of it will have changed. You will no longer be overwhelmed by your own anguish. Instead, you will be filled with compassion and a desire to help when you feel the pain of others.”

~ By Kimberly Marooney from Angel Blessings-Cards of Scared Guidance & Inspiration

In doing the work of diving into myself with an intention to forgive, I feel some reprieve from the grief bolt that struck me on my mat a mere week ago. I feel more freedom already, I feel lighter and have found more laughter. I see there are still blindspots for the people and circumstances who remain unacquitted of their crimes of intentional and unintentional wounding. It will no doubt take more time to extend forgiveness outward, but I'm committed to keep processing and progressing.

I think the main point I would like to make is this.

Collectively we have forgotten, abandoned and exiled our humanness. We are living and loving out of alignment with our sacred connection to each other, nature and a higher power.

We are living in a state of massive separation from ourselves and our own divine light and we have created an "us versus them" mentality. We need compassionate communication and community to rise and forgiveness is essential to the goal of healing humanity.

Reconciliation of our wounding is the way forward.

We need to accept–

Many of us carry wounds– mother wounds, family wounds, traumas both small and large, relationship wounds, societal wounds and self imposed wounds– all of which deserve and need our forgiveness.

I personally know and see many women and men stepping into their own highest potential through intentionally healing their wounds. I hold space for healing and have been held. I recognize the efforts to feed Mother Hunger and mend the Daddy issues in our tissues. I see the movement to rebirth the village, and the divine rage rising to stop the outdated and outrageous patriarchy paradigms of oppression and control.

I see so many mothers/parents attempting to heal their wounds in an effort to break the cycles of trauma for their children and grandchildren. I see brave warriors of love trying to be the light the world needs to heal the collective wounds so we may live in the state of peace and harmony that we incarnated here to experience.

For all of the efforts I see to heal– I know now– forgiveness can not be overlooked.

Forgiveness is a way to light the healing path.

So per usual, I will leave you with

questions for self examination:

What are my wounds?

What are the stories I told myself in order to feel safe?

What parts of myself deserve my forgiveness?

What mistakes and behaviors do I need to be accountable for?

What are my mother, father, family wounds?

How does my lack of forgiveness towards myself show up in my relationships?

What are the reactive patterns and behaviors that cause me to feel guilt, shame, resentment, and anger?

What are the grudges, resentments, and angers I carry?

Who do I need to forgive?

Remember, forgiveness doesn't not mean forgetting or condoning wrongs. Forgiveness is not weak, it's strong and unifying, it is a gift to yourself and others. Forgiveness is loving, liberating and illuminating. Forgiveness is freeing yourself from the pain of resentment and anger. Forgiveness is an act of growth, and a way of knowing yourself deeply, and to know yourself is to grow yourself.

So dear one, I hope you can allow yourself the grace and respect; and that you remember– you are a perfectly imperfect human trying to recall your divine essence.

I see you, I hear you, I feel you, I love you.

Mamaste Well,

Rose

I did this meditation in my bathtub and it was immensely powerful, so if you feel called to forgive yourself, give it a try. I chose to do it in the water as it offers a very cleansing and grounded element. Water has an intelligence that supports reprogramming, but use it as you see fit.