Birth Story- Axel

Trigger warning disclaimer- I have a compassionate understanding and sensitivity to the fact that birth does not always go as planned. I am grateful for the way my births have played out thus far and I hold a lot of love in my heart for all the women who have encountered disappointment, sadness, frustration, medical emergencies, loss and birth traumas. The medical/conventional model of birth can come with lots of unnecessary fear and medical intervention that is very disempowering for so many women. I know this and if that was the case for anyone reading this, I acknowledge you, and I am sending you healing vibes in hopes that you can release any hurt that you may still be holding.

I recently shared the story of Leif’s birth. It was powerful for me to do so and has helped me to reconnect with the essence of Leif in a lot of ways. But to be honest I am still having a hard time tapping into my vision for my upcoming birth. Maybe it's having less time to express my creativity, maybe it’s chasing Axel around and constantly picking up messes that has me feeling distracted and disconnected? Maybe it's the extra layers of heaviness with the never ending chaos of the pandemic? Maybe I am just not there yet?

As I have shared previously, I have poured a lot of intention into my pregnancies and births, I consider both to be sacred. I don’t want this experience, my last pregnancy and birth, to get the short end of the stick. But at times it has felt like that is exactly what is happening. However, since writing Leif’s story things have begun to shift and I am tuning in a bit more, slowing down, and starting to prepare in a lot of ways. Today I even made a list of what I have for birth and postpartum and what I need, so I guess I am getting there.

Since the telling of Leif’s birth moved a lot of energy for me and might motivate me further, today I would like to tell the tale of Axel’s labor and birth. The story of my first home birth. An event that was a long time in the making.

I feel called to start this story ahead of his actual arrival because there were a few twists and turns before he made his entrance that I believe contribute to his story.

So without further delay, here we go.

I had a pretty miserable first trimester with Axel (apparently that’s my thing) so it was a major relief to find my energy rising and inspiration returning to me when I hit the second trimester. I remember feeling a surge of creative energy. I began writing again, I started focusing on birth and postpartum planning, and I made a lot of art.

Then– BAM, BOOM, POW– enter the Pandemic.

As I shared in a recent blog post, at first I was thrown; I was sucked into the spiral of fear and anxiety that swept the nation, but quickly I grounded myself and was able to regroup and refocus. I even channeled energy into a birth education collaboration that came together quickly to offer support to mothers facing labor and birth amid Covid, we called it #COVIDbirthED. My role was to address Mindfully Managing Emotions for pregnancy, birth and postpartum. It felt good to offer support to the many women who lost access to their childbirth classes, who were now facing very intense restrictions and a lot of extra fear related to bringing their child into the world.

At this point, I still had about 10 weeks remaining till my due date. While the lockdowns were jarring I actually came to feel that the world shutting down offered me many blessings. I thankfully already had a home birth planned so nothing changed in that regard, and I was so grateful to have that level of care and communication with my midwife, as I mentioned, hospital births came with an abundance of extra fear and medical intervention at that time. I was able to stay safely bubbled in my home and still receive all the care I needed. Probably the most difficult thing during this time was that I was sick for about 3 weeks (I lost my taste and smell, maybe it was covid, who knows.) I never experienced being sick while pregnant with Leif, it was pretty miserable but luckily didn’t cause any complications, and my care was provided via telehealth till I recovered.

My main concern as birth approached was making it to or beyond 37 weeks, as you are not legally able to birth at home prior to that gestation. Since Leif came just four days after the 37 week mark, it was hard not to panic that I would again go “early” ( I use quotations here because Leif seemed to be right on time and all health measurements indicated he was a full-term baby, due dates are not all that accurate.) I was briefly worried that I would risk-out of the birth I desired. As it turns out an early arrival wasn’t a factor at all, Axel had no plan to come early.

Since I did not previously experience birthing closer to my guess date, I also never experienced heightened anticipation around birth personally or from the others. As my guess date got closer, I received a lot of well-meaning and loving check-ins around how I was feeling, or if there were signs of labor. At first this didn’t bother me, I tried not to let it, but as any woman who is nearing the onset of labor will tell you, you get a little antsy. Unfortunately I snapped at a few people, and I regret that, perhaps that is why I have been very vague about when my daughter is “due.” My own angst coupled with other peoples' wonder about my baby’s arrival made me irritated and annoyed. The final days are among the most sacred to me, that liminal space before you become a mother or a mother again, is yours and yours alone.

As to not let myself fixate on when Axel would come or get preoccupied and overly upset with others, I spent the final weeks enjoying time outdoors with my family as much as possible. We did a lot of trail walks and a heat wave had us playing in our backyard pool. I really tried to mindfully give my attention to Leif and give him as much love and one on one time as I could before things forever changed in his world too.

I remember the day before Axel was born, it was hot, I spent the majority of the day in my bikini soaking in the pool with Leif. We enjoyed the sun, fun and some homemade popsicles. It was perfect.

However and unfortunately, at the same time there was a bit of drama and chaos going on in my family of origin, that coupled with all the uncertainties of Covid added a little stress. This stress meant some of my birth plans changed right in the final hours. Namely, I had to release my plans to have both my mother and sister with me during labor, which was difficult, but it also felt like a huge relief at the time. In my opinion and experience, emotions play a huge role in the process of labor and birth.

Both of my births have been precipitated by a big emotional release.

On the morning I went into labor with Axel, I had a difficult conversation with my mother about her not coming to my house and spoke with my father about my disappointment and sadness related to an issue with my brother. I got off the phone and I cried, A LOT, I cried a lot. Then I meditated while sitting on my vaginal steaming sauna (aka Yoni Steaming,) with herbs intended to support labor (I also utilized steaming for postpartum healing and lactation support.)

It was somewhere around 9:30 am when I stepped into the kitchen to share with Hugo “my plan.” With a few more tears, I told him I made the call for no one to be with us for birth other than the midwives, and that what I really wanted was for labor to begin in the morning, progress throughout the day, and for him to be born after Leif was snuggled in his bed asleep. To which Hugo replied “Sounds good Mama.” Not too unbelievable to me, this is exactly what happened. I believe firmly I spoke my intentions to the universe, and they manifested just as I had declared.

Immediately afterwards, I went to the bathroom and discovered my bloody show, shortly after I lost my mucus plug. I contacted my midwife to let her know of these early signs and we all carried on with our day.

I again played in the backyard with Leif, Hugo headed for the dump, and as we played I started to integrate some yoga postures and breath work as light sensations within me began stirring.

Midday, I made sure to have a hefty lunch to support my energy for the work ahead (though I regret thinking fish tacos were a good choice.) Around 3 pm I asked Hugo and Leif to go for a short walk, and things began picking up as we walked. I had to stop a few times to focus on breathing. Of course when our neighbor pulled up next to us and asked if there were any signs of a baby, I slipped on a smiley poker face and said “nope.”

I am not the kind of person who likes others to know when labor has begun, the energy of anticipation can be felt even from afar, and I don’t need that. Not to mention most people have an uneducated fear related to home birth and have a hard time believing home birth is safe. Some might even accuse you of being selfish and putting your baby at risk; I’m all set with that noise. I understand home birth isn’t for everyone, and I am not saying that it should be. I actually had a family member tell me that they thought “women trying to have natural births were just trying to prove something, and need to be heroes or something,” this was just prior to Leifs planned hospital birth, needless to say I didn’t feel inclined to even tell this person I was birthing at home with Axel.

** Here is something to consider. If someone tells you that they are planning a home birth, it is their choice and more about their feelings than yours. Women can be particularly sensitive to the topic of birth because we carry the memory of our own experiences, and that can lead to a lot of projection for better or worse. What we need to remember is that we all make choices based on our own opinions, beliefs, values, research, and life experience. Regarding birth or any other differences of perspective, we all benefit from being compassionate and understanding towards one another. The world needs more respect! If you don't have anything nice to say, then best to say nothing at all! **

Now where was I?

Around 4:30 pm I felt the need to retreat to my birthing space for meditation, I listened to a hypnobirthing track for opening the chakras, while lying in a supported reclined butterfly pose with several crystals on my body (yeah I am that kind of hippie.) When I was done I asked Hugo to inflate the birthing tub.

Things intensified as we neared dinner time. Hugo and I decided an earlier bedtime for Leif would be ideal. While Hugo put Leif to sleep I returned to my birthing space, turned on the lights I had set up and started bouncing on my yoga ball while listening to my birth playlist. I think I may have even exchanged a few texts in between contractions that by that point were coming regularly with much more sensation. I contacted my midwife around 6:30 pm when they were “5-1-1,” and she prepared to head my way.

Soon Hugo was with me again, I instructed him to start filling the tub. I was still in good spirits and able to crack a joke here and there.

My midwife arrived around 7:45 pm and assessed me by observing contractions, my presentation, and a quick fetal heart rate monitoring. I did not receive any internal checks to gauge my dilation. It was clear I was well on my way, soon I was less cheerful and ready to get in the water to labor.

Water is so special, we are intimately connected with water, and when it comes to labor I find it to be my favorite and preferred place to be. The buoyancy I find in the water, and the fluidity allows for easier movement and changes of position. Just as with Leif, I moved, I buzzed, moaned, and breathed my way through each wave. A second midwife arrived around 9:30 pm. Hugo and the midwives remained quietly on the sidelines as I labored (midwives typically work in pairs or with back up, the midwife who assisted will actually be my midwife for my next home birth.) Hugo offered me his calm and assuring presence, comforting touch, and once again held a bowl for me when the need to vomit emerged (damn those fish tacos!) My midwife offered vocal reassurance of my progression, and praised how well I was doing, offering several checks of Axel’s heart rate and monitoring his progression into the birth canal.

As I transitioned, I had a moment where I was struck by the presence of fear and love at the same time. I noticed how much more powerful love was than fear. I told Hugo how remarkable I found it that I could endure such pain but in moments all that would remain would be love. He smiled. My momentary fear wasn’t because I thought anything was wrong, it was more a minor panic that I might have to continue laboring for hours more.

Right after this, my water broke, and I felt Axel move quickly towards his exit. I was in a full “low yogi squat,” and felt a lot of pressure in my behind. I think I may have said “it feels like he is going to come out of my butt” everyone laughed and of course they assured me they had never seen a baby come out of anyone's bum.

I kept thinking I felt his head, but my midwife did not see it. I felt the urge to begin pushing, and as I did he moved further down, a few pushes and then I actually felt the top of his head and that familiar burn. I can’t recall exactly how long or how many pushes it took, but soon his head was out, and right after his body followed.

Before I pulled Axel up to my body, I saw him underwater, it was surreal and so magical. I caught him all by myself and brought him to my chest, as my midwife helped to maneuver his short cord. I cried tears of relief and joy. I released a victorious sigh and stared deeply into his eyes, as he took his first breaths. Hugo was right over my shoulder taking in his first glance of our brand new baby, our second son. He offered me kisses and told me what a great job I did.

Axel’s time of birth was 10:23 pm on May 23 rd, 2020.

I can’t remember how long I stayed in the tub, or where I birthed the placenta (which we reserved again for encapsulation.) When I did make my way from the tub to the bed, my midwives supported me, wrapping me in warm towels. I was assured there was no excess bleeding and then in bed with Axel right on top of me, he received his first checks. He weighed 7 lbs 4 oz (less than Leif) and was 19 inches (just like Leif,) I was surprised because all along I swore he felt bigger than Leif.

The midwives stayed for three hours or so. I got checked over thoroughly and they helped me to establish feeding. They warmed some bone broth and brought me other nourishment. They cleaned the birthing space, drained the pool and took all the laundry and any other soiled materials away.

Around 1 am, they left, Hugo headed upstairs to sleep, and l laid in bed with Axel nursing a bit more before I tried to fall asleep. Axel passed out easily, babies are tired from the whole birth experience too! But I struggled to dirft off, the birth high and the cramping of my uterus, his loud grunting and constant wiggling made it hard to relax into a slumber. So I gazed at him and thought how grateful I was that he and I were safe and healthy, and reveled in how beautiful it was to bring him into the world in the comfort and familiarity of my own home. It truly was everything I had envisioned.

The morning came and with it one of the memories that will stay imprinted in my mind and heart for all of time. The introduction of Axel to Leif. Hugo did a great job keeping the morning routine the same and giving me ample time in the morning to tend to myself and Axel. Leif watched his morning shows and had his breakfast, he was completely unaware that he had slept through the birth of this brother and that his new pal was right downstairs.

A dear friend had gifted me a big brother t-shirt and a little brother onesie. Hugo told Leif by asking him to put on his Big bro shirt, Leif the clever fellow that he is, immediately surmised that his brother had arrived. He came quietly down the stairs and entered the bedroom very peacefully (a huge effort on his part as he is not a quiet person whatsoever.) I began crying the moment Leif came in the room, as he oh so sweetly approached the bed and carefully inspected Axel. He had all sorts of questions, and was sad for a moment that he had missed his arrival. Then the most precious moment of all, after a few minutes he leaned in close to Axel and whispered in his ear “Hi, I am your big brother Leif, and I will always protect you.”

That brings us to the end of the story.

Now I turn towards my next birth, wondering what it will bring? Curious about what new ways it will shape me?

With the 10 weeks plus or minus remaining of this pregnancy, I will call forward my vision and make my final preparations of body, mind, and spirit. I’ll continue filling my freezer and pantry with healing and nourishing foods, and prepare my birth and recovery suite with the intention that all my efforts will manifest into the best possible outcome. I’ll continue to place my faith and trust in my body's ability to birth naturally and safely, and generate a welcoming energy of love and security for my sweet baby girl.

I look forward to sharing my daughter's birth story someday.

Thanks for reading and until next time.

Mamaste Well,

Rose